Growing Stronger

I'm still behind on blogging, but I needed to write this post today. Don't worry though, I'll still go back and tell you all about the last few weeks a little later. :)

Well, today was our last Sunday attending church with the Rock Creek Ward. This morning when we were getting ready, David asked me if I felt sad about it. I thought about it for a second and said, "I think I'm ok."

Well, I was wrong.

All through Sacrament meeting I would occasionally tear up. I held it all together during Sunday School. And then Relief Society ... wow. I almost had to leave a few times cause I thought I was going to totally break down. Somehow I managed to keep it all under control, though (barely) ... that is until I hugged a couple people in the hallway afterwards and then I lost it. I got out of the building as quickly as possible after that. David had to wrangle the kids to the car on his own, cause I didn't want to stick around and have everybody see me bawling my way out to the car. I HATE crying in front of people. I'm such an ugly crier. It's like I transform into the Hulk or something the second the tears start uncontrollably coming on. (sad Hulk, not angry Hulk) Ya, not pretty. I'm almost unrecognizable.

Honestly, I was really surprised that I was so emotional about it.

This will be our 3rd move since we've been married. We've lived here the longest ... Place #1 - 1 1/2 yrs. Place #2 - 8 months. Place #3 (here) - almost 5 years.

I never cried the first 2 times we moved. Obviously, we've lived here a lot longer than anywhere else, but I don't think that's why I feel so emotional about leaving.

We've had a lot of ups and downs in our 5 years of living here - personally and spiritually. Well, I guess I should speak for myself here ... I'VE had a lot of ups and downs here - personally and spiritually. There was a period of time (a LONG period of time) while we lived here that I would complain to David almost daily about how much I hated it here. I would complain that I couldn't wait to get out of here ... PLEASE PLEASE get me out of here. David was searching for a different job at one point and he was one of the top 2 people in the running for a job in Seattle, Washington. I wanted him to get it SOOOOO bad. I was CERTAIN he would get it. I would look on the internet almost daily looking at housing out there, because I was so sure he was going to get it and that's where we were supposed to be. My best friend since middle school lives out there and it was just SO PERFECT. How could it not be the answer to my prayers?

He didn't get it.

I was heart broken.

At the first two places we lived at, we had friends. It seemed effortless. Friends just seemed to happen. It was GREAT. We always had someone to talk to. We almost always hung out with friends on the weekends. It wasn't just a superficial, "hi, how are you?" 678+ times over and over again as I happened to see my neighbor getting into their car at the same time as me or as I passed by them in the hallway at church. We really had FRIENDS.

When we were looking at moving here, it felt RIGHT. We prayed about it and it felt RIGHT.

Over the years of living here, I couldn't figure out "why??". If this was the place Heavenly Father wanted us to be, WHY was I so miserable? WHY did I feel so ALONE?

Making friends was NOT easy and effortless here. People were friend-LY (for the most part), but I didn't feel like we really had FRIENDS. It felt like everybody in the neighborhood, except me, had their close group of a few people they were really close to - ya know, the people that they spend time with BESIDES just at our kids' birthday parties and other 'invite half the neighborhood' kind of get-togethers. Why did everybody have their special friends, but me?

I can't count how many nights I cried my eyes out to David asking him, "what's wrong with me?" "why don't I have friends - REAL friends?" "I've never had a problem with people liking me before - what's changed?" "I feel so alone.".

I think I discovered today why Heavenly Father brought us to this neighborhood. Looking back on it, I figured it was for me to GROW through my struggles - but, I didn't really understand what I had GAINED through this experience ... until today.

Sister Deroche taught the lesson in Relief Society today. Throughout the lesson, she brought up the same question several times.

"What has He done for you?"
"What has HE done for YOU?"

All of a sudden all the pieces to the puzzle inside my head had FINALLY come together.

HE was my FRIEND. All the prayers I sent up there begging for comfort, begging to not feel alone, begging for a friend ... HE was my FRIEND. HE comforted me. HE made me feel like I wasn't totally alone. HE was there. And when I ungratefully, without words, said that friendship wasn't enough - HE would graciously send me a friend.

Leslee, you don't know this, but I can't count how many times your text messages saying 'it's been a while, we need to get together' or something similar to that, came EXACTLY when I needed them to.
(And as a side note - it's a good thing you were never my visiting teacher, cause I know I probably would have thought you were just 'doing your job' when those text messages came if you were. haha) I know I'm not your closest friend in the neighborhood, but you were mine. THANK YOU! And no, this is not me saying goodbye - I still plan on being friends. :)

I was supposed to live here so I could grow closer to my Heavenly Father. So I could KNOW that he's really there and that he REALLY cares about me. So I could know that I'm never alone, no matter how much I may feel like I am. So I could gain a stronger testimony of the power of prayer.

I'm grateful for our last almost 5 years here and for the experiences that have helped me grow and to become the person I am today.

In Sunday School, Sister Randall talked about how trees living right next to a stream have shallow roots. The water is right there and they always get plenty of it, so their roots aren't as deep and strong because they have no need to grow deep and strong. On the other hand, the trees that aren't right next to the stream have deeper stronger roots - even though they had to get those roots by digging down deep through the hard, rocky soil. They are stronger because they don't have the water so easily right next to them. They are stronger because of their struggles. (I probably kind of butchered her awesome analogy, but hopefully you get the point)

I've still got a lot of root growing to do, but I've gained a few deep strong roots through our experiences here over the last 5 years. While I don't hope to have these same struggles once we move, I'm grateful for what I've gained through it all.

I'm SO EXCITED to be opening up a new chapter of our lives. As strange as it probably sounds after all I just wrote, I honestly WILL miss it here. I'll miss all of your faces and saying "hello" to all of you at church, even though we never became super close friends.

Goodbye, Plum Creek! If all goes according to plan, we will be moving the first week of April.

P.S. I need to go to the temple. It's been a while.